Which Standard Are You In?
Hi y’all, this week I am going to step back a little bit and share with you a piece my friend Ashwati wrote for this blog. Like myself, she plays this game of social expectations and trying to find ourselves within our cultural norms. While her story is a little different from the topics I normally write about, I feel we all can relate to the sentiment that drives it. Leave a comment below and let us know what you think! Or reach out on social media
In response to Aemi's recent work:
As a married woman, I can tell you that it does not end there. Once you finally get married, they began to ask, “vishesham vellathum ondo?” which translates to “is there any special news?” This is Malayalee code for, ARE YOU PREGNANT YET? When people ask me this, I have come to realize that they have nothing better to talk about and that this is their standard. So what do I do? I give them standard answers to their standard questions. “Oh, it’s up to God!” “Oh, it will all happen when the time is right,” “Please keep us in your prayers,” “blah blah blah”. You see, the sad reality about these terrifying questions is that the person asking these questions always feels that there is nothing wrong them. To them, it is simply cultural. However, culture, all of sudden, has nothing to do with it when they find out that their own daughter is a barren woman. I bet they would not want anyone to ask their daughter, “vishesham vellathum ondo?” This is where Malayalees need to think before they speak. When there are a million things to talk about, Malayalees always find the most complex questions to ask. “Is your wife a doctor or a nurse?” She is neither.
This brings me to the next topic of discussion. When you are part of a large community such as the Indian community, the expectations do not stop at marriage and children. As a female, there are so many expectations set forth, whether it be cooking authentic Indian cuisine or simply working in the medical field. It is okay if you can only cook American meals and it is okay if you chose a career outside of the medical profession. What if your talents and skills do not match up to Indian standards? You can’t dance AND you can’t sing? There must be something wrong with you. Clearly, there is nothing wrong with you. It is the way society makes you feel and the way your parents raised you. There is no need to compete with the world. Your biggest competition should be you. What areas of myself do I want to improve? What are my goals? How can I achieve them? How can I contribute to society in a positive way? What gives me peace and happiness? What are my standards? Live up to them and I promise you, there will be a positive change.
If you were born in the 90’s and traveled to India for your summer vacations, you may be able to relate to this question. The most asked question when visiting relatives in Kerala during the 90’s was, “which standard are you in?” This is the Indian way of asking “what grade are you in?” Now, the modern day way of asking this question is: “Vaaaat do YOU do?” I remember dreading this question all throughout my life because I was constantly judged for it. If your aunts and uncles didn’t do it to you, your parents may have already done a great job of comparing you to your cousins. For example, your parents make it a point to let you know that your cousin who is studying a standard below is way more advanced than you are, oh PAH-LEAZE! The next time someone asks you which standard you are in, you tell them: HIGH STANDARD. Don’t be like everyone else. Don’t pressure yourself to meet expectations that may not be your reality. Instead, rise above it. “Set high standards for yourself and don’t settle for anything less. You are the best judge of yourself and capabilities” – Tony Robbins
- Ashwati
