You are HOW old?
December 7, 2019
Hey y’all, welcome back! I hope you are taking care of yourselves; getting enough sleep, drinking plenty of liquids, and keeping warm. It is so important to take care of your health, especially this time of year. So if you are starting to feel sick or have come down with something, please take the appropriate measures (whether that is working from home, taking a sick day, going to the doctor’s, sleep for a full eight hours, etc.)! I assure you, whatever is so important that you are sacrificing your health for is neither THAT important nor something that cannot be shifted to another person. I say this because I was sick last month and am still recovering from it. I took a half day and honestly, I felt so much better for it. Usually, I will just power through it and take twice as long to get over a cold.
Today, I want to ask you what you think is the appropriate age to get married. This has been a personal peeve of mine for a LONG time. I feel that other people always have an opinion on matters that absolutely do not concern them. Listen, I know last week I said I was thankful they cared about me, but their caring can be overbearing.
My thoughts on the “appropriate” age has changed as I got older and was exposed to different experiences. Growing up I thought early 20s was an appropriate age. This was before the recession hit and the housing market crashed, student debt was a major roadblock, and unemployment skyrocketed. This was back when you thought getting a bachelor’s degree would secure you a comfortable job. At the time, it seemed reasonable that I would graduate college at 21, work for a couple of years, save my money, and then get married by 23-24. And I was okay with that.
But as I got older, I began to realize how young 23-24 actually was. It had not seemed that way because my mother married at 23. Her mother was married at 18. And her mother (my great-grandmother) was married at 13. Compared to my mothers, early to mid twenties was getting to be on the older side. But I do not live in the time period my mothers grew up in. In the case of my velliammachi (great-grandmother), it was common for children to be married off; she was 13 and my vellichachen (great-grandfather) was 15. Looking at 13- and 15-year-olds now, I laugh at the idea that they could be responsible enough to take care of themselves, let alone start a family. I guess I was not alone in my skepticism. Even though they were married, they were still treated as kids. Back then, at least my understanding of it, marriages were done early as a promise/contract. No one expected teenagers to know how to live on their own. Most of the time, the newlywed couple would not even sleep together until they were older, and they understood the implications of sleeping together.
Alas, it is not the 1920s, it is (almost) the 2020s, so things are a little different. For one thing, it is illegal to marry off anyone under the age of 18. For another, it is expected that both men and women have a certain level of education and are employed. These things take time, which means marriage has been pushed off until one’s twenties. But, I think the reasons to get married have changed over the past century. I know that the majority of women in my velliammachi’s generation did not finish their education, if they had any formal schooling at all. My ammachi (grandmother) stopped after fourth grade. So without a husband, they would not have a home, they would not have a source of income, they would not have a means of basic living. Marriage was a form of security. With more and more women having the ability to earn a living for themselves, marriage has become more of personal choice or a social expectation. You marry someone because you want to have a life together with that person. Or you marry them because it is the “next” thing to do. I will not get into the social expectation of marriage here, I will save it for a future post. So now, women do not have to rush to get married because they are able to live without a man. But why, then, is there still that pressure?
When I went to India last year, my dad’s cousin was flabbergasted I was 25 and unmarried. He told my father that I must be married by the end of that year (this was 2018). Recently, my mom’s brother told my mom, enough of this fooling around, it is high time I am married. A concern I often hear is that I am “getting up there”. I get that it is easier to find a partner when you are younger because more people are unmarried when they are younger. But why is it so bad if I get married in my thirties, or if I do not get married at all? Why is my marital status linked to the reputation of my family?
Personally, my biggest hesitation is that I do not feel like I am at the right time in my life to get married. But it is slowly getting there. At the beginning of the year, I was concerned about getting my life together. Now at the end of the year, I thankfully have a decent job and am implementing the next step in my life. At the same time, I am opening myself to potential people: I am on m4marry, I have been talking to Lucas, I was on coffee meets bagel for a while. I am getting myself ready so I will feel ready when the right time comes.
I know these things take time, and I have no doubt things will work out for me, whether that means I marry the right person or that I become the right person for myself. I just wish other people had the same faith that I do. 26 is not “getting up there”, you are not a crone at 35, and there is nothing wrong with getting married at 21 or at 41. Everyone has their own clock that they run on. My clock is not the same as your clock. It may be hard to not succumb to the pressures of others, but they may not always know what is best for you. Trust your gut and move forward bravely, because in the end, you are the only one who has to live your life. See you next time.
- Aemi
