Traits of My Perfect Husband
May 2, 2020
Hey y’all, the weather is finally turning nice here. It finally feels like spring! I hope wherever you are reading this the weather is nice for you as well. This warm weather means one certain thing for me, spring cleaning. Actually, my spring cleaning has been going on for a couple of months now, tackling one section at a time. It is better this way so I do not get fatigued.
Do y’all ever get that nostalgic feeling when you are cleaning? I get it all the time, when I see an old t-shirt, or come across a box filled with mementos, or find disheveled notebooks. It should come as no surprise to anyone that I would have a collection of notebooks stuffed away in a drawer. I wish I would go through them more often, it seems like the only time I check them out is when I am cleaning. There are some real gems in my old writings. For example, I made a list back in 2006 titled: Traits of My Perfect Husband.
Okay, first, I just want to say this list was made by 12-year-old Aemi, and before I even came up with the pseudonym Aemi. Obviously, a lot has changed in the past fourteen years. Not only have my preferences evolved, but I like to think that I have grown as an individual in these past years. There are some things on here that are extremely cringeworthy, but then there are some that were pretty insightful for a 12-year-old to consider.
Second thing I want to address is that you might be wondering why a 12-year-old has a list of traits for the perfect husband. Well the thing is, people have been suggesting I should “get married soon” since I was twelve years old. In a previous post, I mentioned that my great-grandmother was married off when she was twelve. A century ago, that was a normal and acceptable practice. Needless to say, these are not those times. And while these suggestions were always made in a joking manner, and never meant to be serious, I think it goes to show just how deep seeded and pervasive the expectation that a girl has to be married at some point really is. 26-year-old Aemi is truly disturbed this was taken so lightly. But that is how we grow, right? We understand that things are no longer acceptable, and we stop the cycle from repeating.
Alright, so let us take a look at this list. Number 1: must be older than me. When I was twelve, sure the idea of being with someone who was ten did not sound too appealing. But someone who is twenty-four is not a big deal anymore. I think a better metric would be maturity. I would like someone whose maturity matches mine. While age is a good indicator of that, it is not always accurate.
Number 2: must be Malayalee. I find it funny how I did a 360 on this. Back then, I really wanted my future husband to be Malayalee. But then throughout high school and college, I was dating non-Indians, let alone non-Malayalee. I do not know if I saw any of them as husband material, of course that did not stop my overactive imagination. But now that marriage is getting closer to being a reality, I have a better idea of what I am willing to compromise and what I am not. The biggest issue I had dating non-Malayalees was having to explain the small things. For example, I do not want to have an argument with my partner on why kanji is the best thing to have when you are sick or when I say “my parents said no” they will not retort with “you are twenty-six years old, why do you have to tell your parents”. The older I got, the more I realized I wanted someone who could understand the nuances and subtleties of our culture without me having to explain it to them. So yea, it would be easier if my partner was Malayalee.
Number 3: must be able to speak both English and Malayalam. Alright, I am not sure how I was trying to differentiate between this one and the previous one. Maybe I was trying to say I wanted someone who was raised outside of India? Maybe I was trying to say I wanted someone who is a child of immigrants, like me? These seem like reasonable assumptions, but I wish I had a bit more context. As for my current preference, at the very least I would like a partner that understands Malayalam, because it is fun to speak in a language the people around you do not understand. The older I got, the more I wanted to learn Malayalam. I have been practicing and speaking with my family so I could get better with the pronunciation. It would be nice if I could slip a few words here and there or have full conversations with my partner in Malayalam.
Number 4: must be smart and have my idea of a good job. Oh Lord, it is that phrase “my idea of” that is key because even back then I was a mini rebel. See the thing is, the community has these preconceived notions about what a good career is: doctor, engineer, lawyer, etc. But I did not like that stereotype, even back then. So what is a “good job”? Something that you enjoy doing. Something that provides a reliable source of income. Something that is worth the time and education you put into having that career. And perhaps most importantly, something you are proud to be working as. That is my idea of a good job.
Number 5: must not have tattoos or piercings anywhere. Hahaha! Oh 12-year-old me was so naïve; this no longer applies. Let me put it this way, I do not mind if the person is tatted or has piercings. When I was a freshman in high school, there was a senior who was in the same gym period as me, they usually put freshman and senior gym classes at the same time. He had these bluish-grey eyes, my nickname for him was HE (Hypnotic Eyes). But HE caught my attention for other reasons as well; he was the first person I saw that had snakebite piercings. Snakebites are piercings on both sides of the lower lip. Ever since then, I have been smitten for guys with snakebites. So tattoos and piercings are perfectly acceptable now.
Number 6: must not smoke. Okay, this one is still true, but I have to put an asterisk. I would rather not have a partner who is an avid smoker. It does not bother me if they smoked in the past or if they smoke once in a blue moon type of situation. Of course, the best situation is that they have never smoked. But, I feel like a bunch of us went through a phase where we thought smoking was cool. As long as smoking is not a current habit, we will be fine.
Number 7: must not drink alcohol. Similar to the previous trait, this is true with an asterisk. Here is the thing, I drink alcohol and I enjoy drinking alcohol. I would like someone whom I could enjoy a glass with. But what I do not like is someone who cannot control themselves when they drink. Neither do I like it when someone feels like they need a drink at every event or with every meal. My view on alcohol is that it is something that should be enjoyed recreationally, not as a necessity.
Number 8: must be my version of good looking. This is another one where I was being cheeky. The community has these preconceived notions about what is attractive. Y’all know what I am talking about. Those Fair & Lovely commercials telling us that true beauty is bleached skin. Photoshopped magazine images telling us that thin women are chic and buff men are desirable. But is that true? I cannot tell you how easy it is to fall in love with someone who makes you laugh. Confidence is such an attractive feature. And what is more desirable than someone who connects well with your family and friends? Beauty might be skin deep, but attraction encompasses far more than beauty.
Number 9: must be willing to stay in either India or America. Let us clear something up on this one. I am not moving to India. That absolutely will not happen. As much as I love visiting the motherland, eating delicious food, and enjoying the beautiful scenery, it is with the specific expectation that I will be coming back home. I am not going to talk about the healthcare infrastructure or politics or personal safety issues, you know those major topics. Instead, what I cannot stand is how moist everything is in India. It is a tropical climate, so there is a lot of rain and general wetness. Clothes and towels just do not dry like they do here. I hate being constantly wet. When I visited Dubai a couple of years ago, it was a wonderful climate, hot and dry. So no, I will not be moving to India. While I would like to stay in America, it is not a hard press requirement. As much as I love the connections I have here, I also want to travel and experience life in other areas. And you just never know what the future holds.
Alright, so these were the nine traits that I thought were important for my future husband to have. I am not the person I was fourteen years ago. In many ways, I have grown from that naivety to see people as they really are and not the perfect versions made up for stories. Of course, these are not the only traits I am looking for in a partner. But it was fun to take a stroll through memory lane. See y’all next week!
- Aemi
