Matched

April 25, 2020

Hey y’all, welcome back! I hope you are safe and well. I have a story for you this week, and it is a funny anecdote. So if you want to heat up some popcorn, now might be a good time to do it. But before we get into my story, I want to ask you for your stories, if you are willing to share. Depending on where you are, you might suddenly find yourself with a lot of free time and are unsure how to procrastinate. Well, here is the perfect way: send me a story about how 2020 has impacted your romantic life. Maybe you are starting a new relationship, maybe this is the year you are working on yourself, what changes did you have to address because of the coronavirus? These are just topic suggestions, you can write to me about anything. Check out this page for more information on how to submit. 

Now for the actual story. I recently came across a quote on Instagram that said, “hey guys, before you send a woman a message pls ask yourself ‘how will this look in a screenshot.’” Can I just say, this was the quickest some random thing I read connected to my own life! Because, later that same day, I received a message from a guy who might have reconsidered his texts had he known I was going to share it.

I am on this app called Dil Mil. It is another dating app, but this one caters more towards the South Asian population. I had been on it before, but I deactivated it when the potential matches were just barely matching my filters. Sometimes, you just have to get off the app for a while so the algorithm can reset itself. Actually, I have no idea why it works, but from my experience, going off for a while is a good thing. But during these strange times, I decided it was time to get back on and see what type of fish are out there. 

Last week, I matched with someone from around my area, the app said less than 10 miles. I mean, distance does not really mean much in my current world. The guy could have been my next door neighbor and I still would not be able to see him. But I get hopeful because a new match is filled with so much potential! Anyway, I messaged him first to get the ball rolling. A couple of hours later, I got a response.

We get through the normal, mundane stuff, “hey how’s it going/what are you up to/not much, just trying to pass the time.” You know, small talk. But then things get interesting when he responds with, “then come over and kill some time at my place.” I see this message and immediately roll my eyes. So this is going to be one of THOSE guys. I try really hard to be fair and give everyone an opportunity to not embody the stereotype. But man, come on, we are only five text bubbles in and you are already double-speaking. Maybe he is trying to be funny, but our senses of humour do not click, so before I completely write him off, I give him a chance to redeem himself.

“Doesn’t that defeat the whole ‘stay at home’ campaign?” I ask. He responds with, “Lmaoo but it’s more fun my way.” Oh boy, my faith in this child is fading away faster and faster the more he talks. “Lol, I’m sure it is. But I’m on lockdown here.” To his credit, he responds with “Ok. Lemme know when you can.”

Now, maybe the texts that follow were in part my fault. The thing about me that y’all should know is that I am a master at playing the avoiding game. I mean, you have to be when you are a single 26-year-old female AND you want to go to community events. I know people who avoid programs with the older generations because aunties and uncles are relentless with their marriage questions. But I am not going to let them be the reason I do not have a good time and enjoy my life. So to deal with them, I learned to dance around subjects and leave things in ambiguity. Perhaps he misread my messages as me leading him on. 

I messaged him back, “lol, when this pandemic dies down, hopefully.” 

Dear reader, if you were this match, how would you have responded? “Yea hopefully soon,” or “haha, I’m gonna hold you to that,” or something along that vein? Even those responses would seem a bit pushy to me, but they are keeping up with the lightheartedness of the conversation, so in my opinion a forgivable offense. Alas, no, that is not what Mr. Dil Mil responds with. 

“True. I guess you can sext in the meantime.”

Even though I am disappointed with the outcome, I am so glad it happened because this is a story I am able to share. It never ceases to amaze me how some people think this is an appropriate way to develop a conversation. Now, I am not saying this is never an appropriate conversation. But for me, 13 text bubbles is just too soon. 

What would you have done in my situation? Would you have cut your losses and unmatched? Would you have called him out? Would you have agreed and said something provocative? There are no right or wrong answers, I am just curious.

What did I do? I called him out on it. You see, while I am great at beating around the bush to avoid talking about a topic, I am just as good at walking right into it to get direct answers. “Boy, I don’t even know you and you’ve already implied sex and suggested sexting! Does being [this] forward actually work for you?” I was genuinely curious. I am curious about a lot of things which makes living in the age of Google a wonderful relief. But when it comes to people who are so pushy, does it work? What is their success rate? I am reminded of the naked man episode from How I Met Your Mother, does it work 2 out of 3 times in this circumstance as well? 

I can only assume his feelings, but I guess he was feeling pretty confident because he responded with, “I guess I’m bout to find out. Lol.” Oh honey, my southern charm kicking in, that was funny. I had a good laugh when I read that. There was no point in continuing this, he was not a cause I wanted to fight for.

“Nah son, not with me.” 

Already this story has taken a couple of “wild” turns. I wish I could say this kind of conversation is rare, but it is not, not in my experience. At least it is not common. The vast majority just end as non-happenings where one of us ghosts the other. It is not ideal, but at least it is not harmful, y’know? There was one final wild turn in this story.

“Lmao. And this is why you’re still a virgin. I’ll just hit up Candy and Sparkles, they’re always down. Lmfaooo. Nice talking to ya.”

Oh dear Lord, I was in tears after I read that! I did not respond to his message, I could not respond to his message. Writing is my hobby and not my profession because one of the aspects of writing I struggle with is developing a good ending. But I can recognize a perfect ending when it is presented to me on a silver platter. There is nothing I could have added that would have provided for a more satisfying finish than what he had written. So I did not respond with anything. 

I hope y’all enjoyed this little story. I know most guys are not like this one, but it is guys like him that make most guys look bad. If there is a lesson to be learned from all of this, it is that you really should think about what you send another person, because it might just get screenshotted and shared to a bunch of strangers. See you all next week!