The Prophecy

March 7, 2020

Welcome back! I promised I would tell y’all the story of the prophecy this week. And true to my word, I will. But before I share that with you, I do want to let you all know that I went back and reread the old journal entry. I will not go into the same detail I did back then, I wrote six pages on just the vision and then six more pages explaining the vision, but I will try to keep it true to my original writing as much as possible. 

Let me take you back seven years to the winter of 2013. I was a sophomore in college and the spring semester had just started up again. It was a cool night but rather mild for winter. I remember because I was walking outside around the campus with Kilian; it was the night we officially broke up. I tried to stay strong and keep a stiff upper lip during the conversation. I think I did well; I did not cry until Kilian went back to his room. But break ups are hard. 

I remember waiting until I was sure he was gone and snuck away to one of my favorite places on campus: the roof of the parking deck. There was something calming about being seven stories high, looking out to see the skyscrapers of downtown in one direction, the lit-up façade of the basilica in another direction, and the soft yellow glow of the airport in the third direction. If I was pulling an all-nighter, I would take a break around 6 am to come up here and watch the sunrise over the eastern side, between the skyscrapers and my dorm building. But in the quiet of the night, it was the perfect place to let my emotions out. Do not worry, I only went up there to cry, and maybe kick the cement walls, nothing else. No matter how heartbroken I was, I was not going to jump over for a stupid boy. 

That night I was just feeling too much; I was looking for a way to numb my emotions and distract my thoughts. After I had cooled down, I left the roof and decided to visit a couple of friends. We all lived in the same building, and late night visits were not uncommon. When I came to their room, I found out they were doing a detox. They had cleared out all the alcohol and were going to do a month of sobriety. 

Not going to lie, I was high-key disappointed. I was glad they wanted to take better care of their health, but I wanted to drown my sorrows! At the time, I was only 19, so I very well could not go buy my own alcohol. But everything happens for a reason, right? I would like to think I am a little bit wiser now; 26-year-old me will not drink to drown my sorrows.

Back to that night, I decided to stay and catch up with them. The semester had just started and we had not had a chance to share our winter break stories. Personally, I gladly welcomed the distraction from my own thoughts. Sometime later, their suitemate invited all of us for a smoke. The night was relatively young, so we figured why not?

I should make a note to say that at this point, I had only smoked weed twice before. I did not get the hype of it, mainly because nothing happened. I did not have the munchies, I was not tripping out, I did not suddenly find everything hilarious. Probably the most extreme thing that happened, during that first trip, was that I felt both in and out of my body at the same time. I distinctly remember not liking that feeling because I was not in control of which perspective I was experiencing. And for a control freak like me, that was an experience I had no desire to go back to. But on that mild winter night, I was looking for any excuse to get out of my body. If alcohol would not provide that escape for me, perhaps marijuana would. 

One of my friends passed me the bowl and within three minutes of taking the drag, I started to feel its effect on me. It was the sensation I had before: I was there in the room talking with my friends, but I was also watching myself talking with my friends, and I was away in a grassy field skipping around a blue rocket (like the kind kids can ride on for 75¢ outside of a supermarket). I was experiencing all three viewpoints simultaneously, but for this post, I will focus on the me that was skipping in a grassy field. 

I have shared this “vision” with some people over the years, and a few have suggested that what I smoked that particular night may have been laced with something else. Perhaps, I did not verify where my friend got his weed from. But after a few more experiences, I have come to realize how my body reacts to getting high; it amplifies the emotional state I am in. For example, if I am relaxed when I smoke, I will become numb, which is why I did not notice anything different the first time I did it. If I am anxious and I smoke, I will become paranoid. That night, I was feeling a lot of emotions and trying to figure things out, so my subconscious took over and I went on a trip.

The me on the grassy field got into the blue rocket and blasted off into space, like something straight out of a 1950s cartoon. I slingshotted around the moon and headed straight for the sun. As I was getting closer and closer to the sun, I could feel the heat burning my skin, think of the worst sunburn you ever had. The rocket’s antenna came right up to the sun and did a cartoonish –boop– and the sun bursted into itself, creating a black hole. I was immediately pulled into the abyss. I felt my limbs being dragged down by some unseen force, like I was a puppet on strings. My joints screamed in pain while the back of my neck smoldered. But all of this was psychological because back in the real world, I was sitting in a chair. 

All of a sudden, I stopped falling, and a voice spoke out of the darkness, “is this what you want?” I screamed no and kept repeating to myself, “I am a strong woman! I can get through this.” It was empowering because as I kept repeating that to myself, I began to rise higher. The strings were cut and I was no longer in the black hole. Instead, I was soaring through space. The pain was not so bad anymore; the burns on my arms were cooling down and my joints were not stretched out. In fact, the only thing that really hurt was the back of my neck. 

Then, just as abruptly as I started soaring, I stopped, and I was floating in the inky blue sky. The voice returned with a new question for me, “what if you are alone forever?” That took me by surprise. It was a valid question and my biggest fear. What if I am alone forever? At that moment, I made up my mind. If I am going to be alone forever, then let it be so. Everyone has something meant for them; maybe my thing can only be accomplished if I am single. “Then fine,” I answered. I immediately started shooting up into the sky again. The pain in the back of my neck grew and grew. 

The voice was mean now, “you will always be alone. You will always feel pain. No one will stay. You will always be alone!” I kept repeating, “I am strong! I will get through this! Even if it means I will be alone!” The sky turned light blue and I was passing through the clouds. I could feel my acceleration slow down. There was white light all around me, I could tell I was back in the Earth’s atmosphere. The voice returned and said one phrase, “so be it.”

Gravity started to work again as I plummeted to the Earth’s surface. You know how you experience turbulence on a plane? Yea well, that was my whole body. I was falling through the rolls of air and the voice boomed out, “this is what you wanted.” It was an odd sensation to say the least. The burn on my neck subsided, like someone had put aloe on it. In the real world, I was doubling over in my chair. 

Vision me could finally make out the ground. It was coming closer and closer, but I was not slowing down. It was going to hurt, but it needed to hurt. I would live, I will be okay. –BAM!– I crashed onto the ground, both in my vision and in real life. My friends rushed to my side, but I pushed them away. I told them I needed to get up by myself.

My entire body was in pain. Every part of me was sore, but I started laughing. I just fell from the sky with no parachute and crashed into the earth. The fact that I was not dead was pretty amazing! I turned over to try and lift myself; my laughing turned into crying. I kept crying and sobbing, while my poor friends had no clue what was going on. One of them came over and tried to help me sit up, but some intuition within me said no. 

I stood up, looked around, and saw the beautiful green meadow I had fallen into. A warm breeze caressed me and blew through my hair, taking it in all directions. I looked up to the rich blue sky to see a couple of clouds make their way across. The sun shone on my back and my neck did not hurt anymore. Nothing hurt anymore, I was completely healed. As far as I could see, the ground before me was flat. I took a couple of wobbly steps, trying out my legs. I turned back to look at where I was laying. I told myself, “I cannot sit. I do not have time. I have to get up and go.” I turned around once more and I started walking. I could walk in any direction because I knew I would end up somewhere.

That was the abridged version of my epiphany. I put it away in the back of my mind as one of those “college experiences” and nothing more. That is until the marriage question became front and center. At that point, I started to evaluate my past relationships. Kilian was the last relationship I labeled as “boyfriend.” All the relationships I had since him never made it to that level. A large part of my healing after that relationship ended was to become a whole person. One that did not need someone else. If I am going to be alone forever, let it be so. I have found comfort in myself. 

Of course that does not mean I was not looking for a meaningful relationship. Over the course of seven years, I have seen my fair share of potential partners. But none have lasted. Is this a sign that the prophecy is coming true? Will I be alone forever? I do not know. All I know is that being alone is not that bad because I am not lonely. And I hope you are not either. See you all next week. 

- Aemi