Let Me Check with My Partner
March 14, 2020
Hey y’all, I have a question for you. Have you ever experienced a completely “ohhh” moment? When you assumed something about how other people thought or felt, and it was explained in another light to the point where you might have said, “I see where you are coming from, but that is not my experience.” Well, this week, I came across a post on Facebook (yes, I still use Facebook) that opened my eyes to an outlook I have never considered. And I would love to read your thoughts, so feel free to comment below!
It was a quote supposedly by Jazz Zo Marcellus, (I say supposedly because the best I could do to verify the authenticity of the quote was from YourQuote.in). If you have more information on the speaker of the quote, please let me know. But more to the point, the quote said,
“I gotta admit…I have the utmost respect for a woman who says, ‘let me check with my husband first.’ Or a man who says, ‘let me run it past the wife and I’ll get back with you....’ See, what people don’t get is…It ain’t that you can’t make a decision on your own. It’s just that when you are in a relationship you value the other person so much that you don’t make decisions on your own. A good relationship is not just about being exclusive. It’s also about being inclusive. True facts.”
Now, I grew up in a conservative Indian household. I did not go out often or unnecessarily. I always had to run my plans with my parents before I could do anything. If I decided to make a stop at the grocery store on my way home from work, the conversation almost always was, “you went to the store? Why didn’t you call me?” Even when I was not living at home, I had to call every single evening, almost as if I was reporting in for the day.
This control dynamic was not only generational; it was also between my parents. I remember my mother would often ask my father if she could go to a work event or do things with her friends. There was this one time that she wanted to go to a devotional retreat being held in a center that was a bit of a drive away, we are talking about an hour from my home. My father was adamantly against it and said no. So my mother did not go. It was the strangest thing to me because my mother is not the submissive type; she is the very definition of a strong independent woman.
Seeing and experiencing this as I grew up really formed my idea of what a good relationship should be. For me, it is one where I do not have to ask for permission or even run it by my partner. If I want to go somewhere, or if I want to do something, the only person whose opinion matters is my own.
Before you get into a hubbub, there are caveats and situations that require exceptions. If it is something that involves both of us, then of course I want my partner’s opinion on that. At that point, they are involved and they deserve a say in the outcome. For example, if we were both invited to an event, or if I wanted to bring them along to something I was going to do, or we decide to make a large purchase that would affect both of our financials. These are situations where I would solicit and confirm my partner’s opinions.
Ideally, I would like to be open with my partner and tell them that I am doing something. I do not want them to worry unnecessarily for my safety. But it will be something short and simple like, “hey, I’ll be late tonight,” or “I’m going out with x, don’t stay up.” The thing is, I am not asking for their opinion on my actions. If I want to stay in on a Friday night, it is because I want to stay in. If I want to go out for brunch with my friends, it is because I want to go out. And not because I was allowed to go out. I will inform my partner of MY decision.
It might seem silly or something that is not that big of a deal, but there is always more to the story. And growing up in the community and upbringing I had, I did not realize this was a problem until someone innocently asked me a question that really stuck with me. Just before my 24th birthday, I shaved my head completely bald. I was half-way across the country for an internship, so no one back home really saw how motta-thalla (egg-headed) I looked until I came back 2 months later. By then, my hair had grown back a decent amount. I went to church, and needless to say, the aunties had an opinion or two they wanted to share with me. But one aunty in particular asked me, “Your parents allowed you to shave your head?” Aunty, I am 24 years old—why do I need my parents’ permission to cut the hair that grows out of my head? Is what I should have said. But instead, I responded, “Oh, they knew I was going to do it. They didn’t think I would go through with it, but I did.” In all fairness, I did tell them I was going to do it. I had planned it for 7 months. This was definitely not an impulse decision.
What that aunty asked me showed that the concept of autonomy does not exist for me. A couple of years before that, Ezra, my brother, shaved his head (as a part of a hair drive his school was doing). To my knowledge, no one asked him if our parents allowed him to cut his hair. Ezra, let me know if I am wrong about this! Yes, hair is a standard of beauty and women with long hair are considered “beautiful” but what I do with my hair should be my decision alone. No my parents, not my family’s, not my partner’s.
I am coming from a place where my independence is restricted. In an ideal world, my relationship would be a way for me to reclaim that independence. But maybe I am young and being naïve. So for those of you who have been in long relationships, what are your thoughts on this quote? Do you check in with your partner for all your decisions? Do you have a system? I would love to hear how you make your relationship work. Leave a comment below or send me a message at asanworks@gmail.com.
I know this week was a bit short, but I hope to see you all next week. Stay safe everyone and stay home!
- Aemi
