Laws of Attraction

Hey y’all, how is it going? Is the spring weather finally reaching you guys? For the last couple of weeks, we had relatively warm weather, with temperatures above freezing for multiple days in a row! This past weekend, I was out and about with just my light winter jacket. So exciting, I know. People will complain about the cold weather here. But I love it. I don’t love when I’m in it, but the cold makes me appreciate the warmer weather when it comes.

Before I share today’s story, let me ask you a question: how important is attraction in a relationship? Maybe before I ask that, I should ask, what is attraction? In the context of this post, I am going to say attraction is the ability to like someone. I know there are nuances when it comes to the different types of attractions (physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, etc.), but for our purposes, I am going to combine everything together. Everyone has their own experiences, so I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Leave a comment below on where attraction ranks among your preferences.

I think attraction is an important aspect to consider when you factor all the reasons you want to be with someone; but it is not the most important thing for me. What often makes or breaks a relationship is my peace of mind. If I am not comfortable being myself, if I am constantly walking on eggshells and avoiding topics, or if I feel like I cannot trust my partner with certain information, then I will leave. Having high cheekbones and a defined jawline is nice and all, but if being around them makes me miserable, then it is not worth having them around. 

So then, why did I end things with someone simply because I was not attracted to them? Okay, maybe that was not the only reason, but it was a major one. Last spring, since there was literally no socializing in person, I restarted my online dating profiles. I matched with someone who was a couple of states away. Normally, I would avoid a long-distance situation, but one of the perks of talking to someone who is far from me is that they will not consistently ask to meet up in the middle of a pandemic! 

We were talking for a couple of weeks and things were going fine. At that point, I had nothing to complain about. His texts were respectable, his grammar was decent, and we managed to keep the conversation going, things I pay close attention to. We decided to move things along and set up a date via video chat. This was when I felt things started to go sour. 

I cannot point to any one moment during that call to say, “this is why I didn't like him.” But something about the call just felt off. I think the best way I can put it is that his energy felt childish, not immature. It felt like he was a kid trying to pretend he was an adult. And when he laughed, there was a chuckle in it that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. In short, I did not find this match attractive.

There are certain situations where someone might do something or say something or act a certain way that becomes really unattractive. But this was not that type of situation. He was simply being himself. Unfortunately, his personality did not vibe for me.

I thought a lot about this when I realized what was going on. I have always said that the most important thing to me is not how my partner looks but how they treat me. I do not want to be with the most handsome person if I feel like I am worthless when I am around them. Alternatively, I would be more interested in someone who might not fit the modern definition of handsome if they see me as an equal. So then, why did it bother me that I was not attracted to this match?

The simple answer is that being attracted to a partner matters. How much it matters will depend on each individual person. For some, it might be the most important thing they are looking for. There is nothing wrong with that if all the people involved are aware of it and are okay with it. For me, it is not the most important thing, but I can say it is among the top 5. 

I wish I could say this story was simply about a match that I personally did not feel attracted to. But life is never that simple. As I was thinking about why this match was so off-putting, I had to consider the role a former crush played in this situation.

Months before this story happened, I was talking to a crush. Things seemed to go fairly well until suddenly it did not. The pandemic played a major role in why things did not work out and I thought that was the end of it. Weeks went by and I had not heard anything from the crush. I assumed he moved on with his life; I had moved on with mine. Then, as if the universe was mocking me, the crush messaged me the same day as my first video call with the match. I responded and we started talking again. For a while, we fell back to our old routine.

Now, it has been months since these events took place, and I still wonder, if the crush did not reach out, would I have reasoned with myself about the match? If the crush was not in the picture, would I have settled for the match? Was my attraction towards the crush the driving force to ending things with the match? Or would I have made the same decision if he had not texted me? 

I do not know. 

Regardless of my reasoning, I ended things with the match. I wished him well with his pursuits and he wished me well with mine. Now, this has become another story for me to share with you. As I am concluding, I want you to consider the role attraction plays in your relationships. You have read about my thoughts on it, let me know below how important it is for you. Until next time.

- Aemi