Call Me

Welcome back, folks. Over the last few weeks, I have been sharing the story of this guy I matched with on a dating app. Things were going well for about two months. And then, I found out he was married! If you want to read the backstory and the fallout from it, I suggest you read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. Alright y’all, time for the conclusion!

I knew I could not respond right after I got this long message from Grant about how he was sorry, how it was true that he was married, and that he really enjoyed our friendship. Folks, let me share with you some sage advice I learned a long time ago: “don’t make decisions, don’t act, and don’t respond when you are in an intense emotional state.” I was furious with him. But if I responded in that state of mind, everything would be an incoherent mess. 

When I am in a heated situation like this, I like to break apart a long message, addressing each and every part of it. That was what I did here, too; it took me thirty minutes to write up my response.

First of all, do not call me “babe.” He no longer has that privilege. I told him that I have a name; he should use it. If you recall my post about nicknames, you might remember that I do not particularly care what anyone calls me. I only ask that I am the person they think about when they say that name. It has crossed my mind how “babe” is not really a unique name. Was he using that so he would not confuse me with another person? I thought he was maybe talking to other girls. 

Then I asked Grant if he really thought I would not find out. I also made sure to correct his assumption, that Andrew only confirmed what I had heard. I did not mention who told me first. I am not sure if Andrew told him. If he did not, let Grant wonder how far my networks reach, who my connections are. Let him think I work through the shadows. I wish I were that cool to know everything about everyone. 

Third, I addressed his little comment about hating him. My initial reaction was not of hate. And after these many months, it is still not of hate. I feel sorry for him and his wife. Don’t get me wrong, what he did was inexcusable. But hating him will not bring me any peace or solace. I want to move on from this, not ruminate in it. I guess it is the Christian foundation I grew up with, because that Sunday, during the service before I messaged his wife, all I could do was pray. I prayed that he and his wife would be able to heal this rift. I am not one to say what shape or form that healing will look like. Maybe they move past this together, maybe they separate. Whichever path they end up choosing, I pray that their journey will heal them. 

I wanted to talk to Leena first, find out what she knew, and then confront Grant about it. But since he was the one talking to me, I figured I might as well go through him. The last thing I said in my response was to have her call me. I told him to give her my number and call me after 3pm. Out of everything I said, having his wife call me was the only one he responded to.

Grant was trying his hardest to avoid the inevitable of me talking to his wife. It could have been that he was avoiding more confrontation. Or he could have been lying to her and now he was losing control over the situation. Or maybe he had been deceiving me and she really did not know about any of this. 

All of a sudden, the tone in his texts changed, “Are you trying to cause more problems?” No, I am trying to fix the mess you dragged me into. “Let’s just pretend we never met or spoke. You can block me.” Child, I never needed your permission to block you. Who the hell did this fool think he was? He even swore on his mother that Leena knew! The more he pushed against it, the stronger I suspected something was amiss.

Now readers, I am going to share a little secret with you. I am a writer, words are my weapon of choice because they can make you feel pain without a single cut, joy without a single laugh, annoyance without a single disturbance, peace without a single resolution. But because I understand the power of words, they mean nothing to me. Grant can say whatever he wants, swear upon whomever he wants to, it will not change my opinion. I have often been lied to by words, but I have rarely been lied to by actions. 

I do not know if this was a last ditch effort or a manipulation tactic, but he switched his stance and had the audacity to say, “I didn’t want to tell you anything because I didn’t want to lose your friendship. Even when you said you were talking to others.”

Nu-uh! Don’t you fucking dare put this on me! 

Eleven days into us talking, I told him that I was also talking to other guys. At the time, I matched with someone on Coffee Meets Bagel and I was talking to someone my uncle introduced me to. I did not need to, but I did not want him to be hurt later on when he found out I was talking to multiple people. But it was not just that, I specifically asked him if he was single or if he was talking to anyone else. I did my due diligence and told him about the others in my life and asked about the others in his life. He does not get to play the saint by trying to “save” our “friendship.” What bullshit nonsense!

“My wife asked me to leave you, but I hated to lose you. That’s why I kept talking to you. Aemi I didn’t mean to hurt you intentionally. I felt so happy when I talked to you.” 

I wonder if that was when he made up those rules. Maybe he did not want to text in the evenings because she would be home from work after 5pm. None of that matters anyway! If your wife tells you to stop talking to someone, you do it. Otherwise, respect her enough to break things off. You cannot have it both ways (open and unconventional relationships aside, those rules are completely different). I asked when Leena told him to break it off, but he did not respond to that question. 

3pm came and went, and I did not hear anything from Leena. The whole afternoon, I was tense thinking about how the conversation would go, but I had to pretend like nothing was wrong because my cousins came over to visit—it was a normal Sunday afternoon for everyone else. 

At 5:49pm, I got a message on Facebook from Leena’s account saying she knows about me and Grant. She apologized and said she did not want to continue this conversation anymore. I do not think he was impersonating her; I could tell this was a different person from the way they were writing. We all have our unique style. Even though I did not know Leena’s style, I knew Grant’s very well. This person’s style was strikingly different from his. But he could have had someone else pretend to be her. Would he go through all that effort? Probably not. So, it is safe to assume it was her. But the fact that I thought of a scenario like that means it would not have been an impossibility. 

I messaged her back, asking for just five minutes of her time. I needed to speak my piece because it is too easy to forge a message. At least if I spoke to her, I can know someone heard my message. 

It took a while, but she finally agreed to talk to me. I called her on Facebook around 9:30pm, and I apologized. I told her I wish I had known before, I told her I was calling her because I was cheated on and I wish that someone had told me. Lastly, I told her that I was praying for them, that they would get through this. She was very civil and accepted my apologies. She apologized on his behalf as well. But I think my last bit threw her off guard. The conversation took over just three minutes but I said my peace.

Thinking back on it, there were so many questions I wanted to ask her. When did she find out? What was she going to do? Was there anything I could do for her? But they are all beside the point. I messaged Andrew just to let him know what was going on. He said he would let me know if he found out anything else. That was kind of him, but if I was being honest with myself, I would rather not know. The uncertainty has a feel of finality that is comforting. This is probably the only closure I am getting.

Thank you for sticking all the way until the end of this story. I know it has been a wild ride! This was one of three stories that I wanted to share with y’all. The other two will (hopefully) not be this long. But everything coming together like this really made me wonder, who is pulling the strings of my fate? So, until next time. 

- Aemi