A Decade of Experience

Welcome back y’all! I hope you are enjoying the new year. How are your resolutions coming along? It is only week two! Far too early for you to quit. You have to push it until at least week three to say you gave it your best shot. At least that is what I have been telling myself as I retry this exercise routine. I am hoping that if I can get to three weeks, I will have done it long enough to trick my body into creating a habit. Will it work? I guess we will have to wait and find out.

I am not the only one who is picking up old habits. My mother is back on the marriage train with renewed vigor. Since the pandemic ruined her plans for 2020, she is convinced that 2021 is the year I will get married. Okay, Mommy, you have been saying that for the past two years. What makes this year any different? We are still in the middle of the pandemic. Sure, vaccines have been rolling out since last month, but I fall into the “general public” category. I will be lucky if I get the vaccine this year! This is not the year I will get married.

Let us entertain the notion that I was even remotely close to being ready for a wedding. And by that, I mean that there is a guy, the families have met, and everything is green lighted. Now, in terms of putting together a reception, we are talking about a time scale of 1-1.5 years. So even IF everything were going smoothly (and the pandemic was not imposing restrictions), the earliest I would have a wedding is mid-2022. And let’s be honest, I am nowhere near ready to have a wedding. 

But that will not stop my mother. So upon her request (-ahem- demand), I revamped my profile. I added some nice photos I had of myself from when I dyed my hair. I was surprised when it was my mother that suggested I add those photos. I mean, I would assume she wants people to think I am normal. What sane person dyes their hair purple and blue? And what mother-in-law would approve of someone like that? I guess she figured if the guy is gonna have to get used to my weird eccentricities, might as well be upfront about it. 

I know she means well, but sometimes, my mother will offer me advice that is impractical or irrelevant. She is speaking from her experiences, and while some things are universal truths, others are the remnants of a generation that is slowly fading away. I am a completely different person than my mother when she was twenty-seven year-olds. A large part of that is because I had to deal with my experiences on my own. I just want to set the record straight, I chose not to use her as a resource; often because I was not supposed to be doing whatever it was I needed advice on. So when I tell her about the values that are important to me in any relationship, she thinks I am talking about hypothetical situations, when in reality, I am speaking from a decade of experience. 

This week marks ten years since my first boyfriend and I became unofficially official. And since then, I have felt love and loss, joy and sadness, heartthrob and heartache (not all because of him). There were times I had questions about what was right and what was normal. Was I overreacting or should I stand my ground? How much should I compromise without being a complete pushover? Should I try to make this work? But I had no one to ask these questions. I had to come up with the answers on my own. 

Far too often, I was naïve. In fact, I am still too naïve. There are things I let go that, in my gut, I know I should confront. But I always second guess myself, wondering if it is a real issue or me throwing a tantrum. But those experiences are why I know I am not compatible with certain types of personalities. 

For instance, I know that I like texting, it is my main form of communication. I love getting messages throughout the day. But what I do not like is getting an unsolicited message in the middle of the night because the rest of the world has already gone to sleep and I am the only one who is still awake. My general rule of thumb is “if we were not talking before 10pm, you are not getting a response until after 7am.” Of course, there are exceptions; like people who work night shifts and the hours they are awake are the middle of the night. I am talking about people who work regular 9-5 jobs and I know always have their phones within arm’s reach. When those people text me at 2am, I know it is because they are done talking to everyone else. I know this complaint seems trivial, but I am trying to keep this post light-hearted.

The hardest times were when I would be frustrated at my ignorance. Like the time when I thought I meant something to a particular someone, but I guess they did not feel the same way about me. Instead, they just break up with me out of the blue. Their exact words were, “we are in different stages of our lives.” It was only weeks later that I put the pieces together and realized they were cheating on me. Would my mother have advice on mending a broken heart? I do not know, but I did not dare ask her. 

That is why I like writing to you. It is easier for me to open up about my experiences to the faceless internet. And who knows? Maybe you are like me and do not have anyone in the real world whom you could turn to. Maybe you need a faceless author to listen to your story. Feel free to comment below with your own story. As for me, I am going to keep moving forward and learn a little bit more about myself with each new experience. See you all next time.

- Aemi