New Year, New Me

Welcome to 2021! I cannot believe that this never-ending year has finally ended. How have y’all been? 2020 has definitely taken us on a hell of a ride, but hopefully you guys have made it to this side in one piece. Last week, I spent some time reflecting on the past year. It is mind-boggling just thinking about everything that has happened. Even reviewing the things that have personally affected me, these past twelve months have definitely been memorable. But it is also one that I have learned a lot from. I would like to think that I have grown as a person. So, my question for you guys is what have you learned about yourself in 2020? How have you grown? Leave your answers in the comments below.

One of the ways I have grown this year is by letting go of the fear I have about relationships. It goes without saying that my past relationships have not worked out. But after each breakup, whether there was an official conversation or we just drifted apart, I was left feeling distraught. It always came back to, “what is wrong with me?” Sometimes it was me, and sometimes it was not. But whatever the reason, it simply did not work out. So, learn from it and move on. 

I tell myself that, but believing it is a whole other ordeal. This year, I made a conscious effort to believe it and move on. I am tired of wondering if I am good enough for a relationship. I know that I am, but that dark cloud keeps whispering, “you have no proof you are, but here is a decade’s worth of examples that you are not.” This year has been me working through those insecurities and facing those whispers. If I stay hidden, I will never prove I am good enough.

So, I created profiles on different sites and apps. I talked to more people than I ever have. It was a major help that everything was virtual during this time—setting up a virtual movie date is so much easier than planning a real one. Maybe it is a sign that there are some people I am still talking to months later. Is it serious? No, not at this moment. Will it ever be serious? There is potential for it. But who knows what the future will hold? All I can do is be myself, and be hopeful.

I guess the other skill worked on, whether I wanted to or not, was patience. Good Lord, was this a year to be patient! Between all the stay-at-home orders, job losses, getting sick, hiring freezes, cancelled holidays, slow internet, and everything in-between, this one year alone showed me how little control I have in my life. That is not okay for someone like me; I need control in my life more than I need coffee. That is a bold comparison. 

But this was the year that basically said, “Sit down and shut up!” Not being able to do the things that normally distract me forced me to look at the different things in my life. What was I neglecting? What are projects and passions that have been tossed to the wayside because I was busy playing catch up in my life? What were the fears I was running away from? In an ironic way, not having control of my external environment forced me to regain control of my internal environment. 

Am I cured, am I at peace with myself? No, not at all. But I am more now than I was last year. See, that is the thing about progress; we never reach our goal. We reach a certain point and realize our goals have changed because we have changed. We work towards that new goal and after some time realize that goal has changed. The new me entering this year is not someone that is starting fresh on January 1st, the new me is someone who has been changing since last year and looking back at how much I have grown. 

I know it has been a while since I have written a post, but between taking (and completing) classes, teaching, losing a family member, and starting two new jobs, fall 2020 has been a tumultuous couple of months. But I am back now, and I have some stories lined up that I want to share. This is going to be an exciting new year, but hopefully not as exciting as last year. So leave a comment below, tell me about your growth this past year. Or tell me about what you are looking forward to this coming year. As always, see you next time!

- Aemi