When the Weather Turns

September 22, 2020

Hey, y’all! I hope you are doing well. I have a question for you, what is your favorite time of the year? Is it the first snowfall? Is it the warm, sunny days you can spend out on the beach? Is it the time you smell of blossoming flowers in the air? For me, my favorite time of year is autumn. And wouldn’t you know it, today is the autumnal equinox (at least in the northern hemisphere)! 

There is something magical about driving down a highway as the trees lined on both sides of the road display these beautiful reds and oranges and yellows. I guess depending on where you live, you might already be seeing these changing trees. And then, there is the smell of fall. Have you ever stepped outside and suddenly picked up on a cool earthy smell? It is the smell of friendship that has lasted decades, meeting each other again after a long time. 

And then the nights, oh how I absolutely love autumn nights. Sometimes I wish I were a poet so I could express myself with such eloquence. But alas I am not, and all I can say is that there is something mystifying when a cloud rolls in front of the bright moon. The cloud does not hide our Luna, her brilliance shines through, leaving shadows in the sky. That sight is not unique to autumn, but while you are looking up at that beautiful night sky, a warm gentle breeze brings with it the smell of frost in the air. There is something otherworldly about this very Earthly experience. If you have never experienced these sensations, I highly recommend you visit somewhere that does and enjoy this wonderful feeling for yourself. 

Do you know what else is wonderful about this time of year? Everyone just seems to be closer to one another. Maybe it has something to do with the dropping temperatures bringing everyone to warmer places? Maybe, unconsciously, we are looking for companionship because we know the cold will bring lonelier times? Maybe that is why we have quite a few holidays all bunched up together? For me, it is the most social time of the year.  

But this time of year can be somewhat lonely. After all the events, after all the parties, after all the get-togethers, I come back home to an empty room and fall asleep alone on my bed. Most of the time, this does not bother me. I love the quiet rhythm the house falls into as the night progresses into twilight. I love that I am not fighting on whether the fan should be on or off, the answer is off. But every once in a while, that tough exterior of mine cracks a little as I wonder what it would be like to share a bed with someone. 

I do not mean for the night or just having sex. I am talking about long-term, till death do us part, type of sharing. Can I handle a long-term relationship? My longest official relationship lasted four months, and that was in high school. In fact, the total time I have been in a “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship adds up to seven months. I am absolutely amazed at people who manage to stay together for years. I have relatives that have been married for decades. My grandparents, prior to my grandfather’s death, were together for sixty-four years! Meanwhile, I cannot get even one year. 

Perhaps the reason is because I am much more comfortable being alone. If COVID has taught me anything, it is that I need my alone time. As much as I love my family, I miss the times I could escape to a coffee house to clear my head and write. Nowadays, my only escape is the hours I stay up past midnight, after everyone else has gone to sleep. There is a sense of peace that I rarely get any other time in my day. 

So what do I want? Do I want to be in a relationship or do I want to stay single? Yes. There is a part of me that wants a partner. Someone who will bring me some warm coffee as I pull another late-nighter. Someone who will push me to finish the hundreds of projects I get excited about and begin. Someone who understands that while I may seem cold at times, it is really because those are the times I am feeling too much. But I know these qualities are not easy to come by. So until I find someone who I feel fulfils these qualities, I do not mind staying single. And if I never find someone who fulfils these qualities, then I am resigned to always being single. 

I know an aunty somewhere out there just dropped her cup of chaiya at the thought of an independent single woman. I understand that it is not the norm, but why is anything outside of a monogamous hetero relationship a pariah status? Some people prefer to be alone, some people prefer to be with a same-sex partner, and some people prefer to be with multiple partners. Why can’t we be happy for those consenting adults who are happy? Why must we “other” them? Why must we force people to conform?

Anyway, that is my two cents. How are you spending this strange and wonderful season? Are you cozying up with some apple cider? Are you going to carve pumpkins with your partner? Maybe have a physically distant scary movie-thon with your friends on Scener? Share it in the comments section below! Until next time.

- Aemi