Privacy
September 15, 2020
Hi y’all, hope you are well and taking care of yourself. If you have been following for a while, you might notice that I take privacy very seriously. I make sure to change the names of the people I refer to in these posts. I go by my pen name, and when guests write, I ask them to come up with their own pen name. It might seem over the top for a little blog such as this, but there were times I felt that I needed to protect myself and my identity from the outside world. This week, I want to share a story about one of those times.
This story took place a couple of years ago. Back in 2018, I took a break from the dating apps. I felt like the suggested matches were not meeting my preferences. After a couple of months, I decided it was long enough for the algorithm to reset. I reactivated my account on Coffee Meets Bagel. At first, things were going well. I came across this profile that seemed to match what I was looking for: age range, ethnicity, employed.
Profiles, while they are good at providing a snapshot of a person, tend to paint a one-dimensional picture. The metrics I use to make my decisions take longer to uncover. I will not know until I talk with the person, so I sent my “like,'' waiting for him to either like me back or reject me. A couple of days later, I got a notification from Coffee Meets Bagel that this guy, let us call him Kiran, liked me back and has sent me a message. Curious to know what he said, I opened the app and read a seemingly simple message: “Hello Aemi Asan, how are you?”
My blood ran cold when I read that message. I think I should clarify that he did not actually say “Aemi Asan” but instead used my full real name. Why would that message horrify me? Simple, I do not use my full name on dating apps.
My real name is unique. You can go your whole life without meeting someone who shares my name. And if you do meet someone who shares my name, it is almost guaranteed to not be the same variation, I have yet to meet someone with the same exact name as me. So if someone does a quick Google search, they can find me easily.
And, like a stereotypical millennial, I have tons of information online. Facebook alone has eleven years of family vacations, important events, and random moments. Anyone who is willing to put in the effort can find out a lot about me. But I am hoping that people are not willing to put in that much effort.
I was thrown for a spin when this match called me by my full name. Obviously Kiran had done some research into me. I was curious how he had found me, so I continued to talk with him. I had my suspicions, but later on he told me. Coffee Meets Bagel has this feature, which I really appreciate, where you can talk to your matches for seven days. After that, you can either extend the conversation by paying beans (CmB’s currency) or exchange numbers. I decided I would use the week to see if this guy was interested in me or just creeping.
There is a fine line between the two. How many of y’all remember the show White Collar? I bring it up because Ezra and I are watching the whole series now that it is on Prime Video. Neal Caffrey’s obsession with his ex-girlfriend is unhealthy and completely unacceptable! I do not care how much he loves her. You have to respect people’s desires for privacy. “But she wanted him to find her, she was giving him secret signals and leaving clues.” And this is why there are people who are confused by consent. Do not think that I am letting Kate go off easy on this one. She should have been more direct about what she wants; does she want Neal to follow her or not? When Kate was being ambiguous, Neal should have backed off. Just because he is handsome does not mean his actions are acceptable!
But at the same time, I think it is foolhardy to not do any research on potential matches. You ought to know a little bit about who you are talking to, and those dating profiles provide the most minimal information. Personally, I draw the line at what is publicly available. This means that if you left your social media account as public, you better believe I am going to scroll through your previous post. But if you enabled appropriate privacy settings, I am not going to hack the platform to find out who you are. That is too much effort and just a bit outside my computer skills.
It was not the fact that he did his research on me that caught me off guard. It was the fact that he let it slip. I do not know if he did it purposefully or if it was by accident. After talking to him for those seven days, I came to the conclusion he was not a creeper, but just someone who, like me, wants to be thorough. But also, he was kind of boring. I do not know if that was his real personality or if that was his virtual persona. Either way, I was not interested in continuing our conversation.
Before the chat timer ended, I asked him how he found out my last name. He told me he came across my profile on LinkedIn. That would make sense. LinkedIn had my first name and the schools I went to (Coffee Meets Bagel allows you to add your education). Those two pieces of information were enough to cross reference other things like my pictures, my age, and my location. I went on LinkedIn and saw Kiran’s profile in the “Recently Viewed” section.
In a way, this was a learning experience. I realized where some of my security blind spots were. I did not want to change my LinkedIn profile, because I am always looking for a new career. Nor did I want to lie about my name to my future partner, let’s be honest, if I am going to find a partner, it will be through an app and not the barista handing me my daily coffee. So instead, I changed my social media accounts and double checked their privacy settings. If someone is going to find me, they will have to put effort into it.
What are your thoughts? Is privacy a concern for you? Do you feel that you have to be extra careful when you match with people on apps or through sites? Or is this the price we have to pay for membership in this new virtual society we live in? Let me know in the comments below! Also, if you were not aware, I do not require you to use your real name or submit your email to leave a comment. Feel free to come up with your own pen name. See y’all next week.
- Aemi
