Left on Read
February 15, 2020
Hey y’all, welcome back! You know, today is honestly one of my favorite days. Can you guess why? Chocolates and candies are heavily discounted now that Valentine’s Day is over! I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day itself. There is just too much fanfare on expressing love specifically on this day. For a long time now, my view has been “don’t buy me flowers because it is Valentine’s Day, buy me flowers (even though I prefer a potted plant) because it is Friday—and get chocolate because you wanted to try out the new Lindt flavors with me.” I do not care for proclamations of love or grand gestures; all I need is the normal everyday things that say “I love you” in your unique way. I cannot help it, it is the simple romantic in me.
But enough about Valentine’s Day, this post is not about how uneventful my February 14th was. There were some minor updates happening in the background over the past few weeks, but they were not big enough to write a full post for. Now, there are enough of these small updates that I can write about them!
When I last talked about Kilian in the post “Hey,” I mentioned how he had messaged me randomly in December after almost six months of silence. So, I did not respond to his message. I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented and messaged me with advice. To an extent, I had already made up my mind before I uploaded the post. What I needed to know was if my actions and reasoning were sound. It looks like the majority of y’all agreed with me.
I had hoped he would get the hint, but alas he did not. On December 25th, he wished me a happy Christmas. I ignored him. A week into January, he texted me again, this time acknowledging that I may have blocked his number. In hindsight, if I had blocked his number, I would not have seen these messages anyway. So where is the logic in calling it out? I ignored his message. The following week, he messaged me for the third time in a month. He went back to his original message, “Hey.” And still I ignored him.
You see, I was conflicted about this whole thing. On the one hand, I am great at brushing uncomfortable discussions under the rug and not addressing them. I wish it were a positive trait because I am a master at it. As a result, I am really bad at confronting things that bother me. That is not to say that I will not confront a problem. It has to go well beyond the limit for me to speak up about what is bothering me. I think it stems from having an empathic personality; which, for me, means that I feel not only my pain, but also the pain I cause on other people. It is easier if I am the only one suffering. But on the other hand, Kilian should know that what he is doing needs to stop. It will not help me heal if he is constantly messaging me. Maybe he is blissfully ignorant of how his actions affect me. If that is the case, he needs to be told. I was going back and forth between these two things; hoping that I could take the easy route and not have to say anything, but also mentally preparing myself if I had to talk to him.
Mid-January, he reached out to me on WhatsApp. He was trying a different platform just in case I had blocked his number. At least he realized his fallacy. But the thing is, he knows I do not delete numbers. I do not erase conversations. I do not tear up pictures and try to forget the past. The past happened. There were good memories and bad ones. I try to store the good ones in a safe space and learn from the bad ones so they do not repeat. But I will not erase the past, as long as I can help it. He knows because this was something I talked to him about, at great length, when things were better between us. So he should know that I was ignoring him. And in case he was not aware, because I always give the benefit of doubt, I left his message on read.
You would think that a passive aggressive action would be enough, and most people would just give up after that. No, not Kilian, because a week later he started following my Instagram account (my personal one, not this account). A little back story, originally asanworks was my only IG account. I gave in, after years of protest, to share some of my photography. But when I started this blog (August 2019), I decided asanworks would be dedicated to the more creative endeavors and I would make a personal account for the normal stuff. Mind you, at this time, I was not talking to Kilian anymore. And yet, he goes and finds my account and starts to follow me. I must admit, I am impressed by his determination, but not as much as I am annoyed at the slow realization that I have to talk to him.
A couple of weeks passed and then I got a notification on Facebook that Kilian sent a friend request. I left it unanswered and carried on with my life. But then I get a message from him on messenger, same as before, “Hey.” The thing about FB messenger is that if you are not friends, you can view a message without entering the chat (the other person will not know you saw the message). I ignored it again and honestly forgot about it because I had some more pressing issues going on in my life at the time.
Fast forward to today. As I was waiting to hear back from someone I had messaged, I decided to check the “Message Requests” section. Wouldn’t you know it, Kilian messaged me two more times this week. On Wednesday, he asked if we could talk for a bit. This was the last straw, I had had enough. Over the course of two months, he had sent me 10 messages across 4 platforms. Honestly, is the kid going to send messenger pigeons or smoke signals next? I knew I needed to talk to him and end things once and for all. So I finally responded, “what do you want Kilian?”
We talked for a long time, about some of the things he has done in the past that have hurt me, about why we are where we are, but most importantly, about how things will never go back to the way they once were. I told him in plain English text to please leave me alone and let me heal. This time, he was the one who left me on read. I must say, I was proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not caving in, which I normally do. All of this still feels incredibly raw right now; it is never easy to lose a friendship. I wish I could see into the future and know how long it will take to fully heal. But until that happens, all I can do is take it one day at a time. Until next week, guys.
- Aemi
