Comfort Zone
October 19, 2019
Welcome back! It was Columbus Day/Indigenous People’s Day earlier this week. Unfortunately, I still had work. Bummer, I know. I usually do not get off for that, at least, not since I was in high school. In college, my first day off during the fall semester was Thanksgiving. It was 10 weeks of school and then 2 days off. Then 3 weeks later we were off for winter break. It was poor planning on the school’s part, do you know how exhausted and burned out we were by the time Thanksgiving came? Having a day in October would have been nice, but alas no. I heard that some colleges get a fall break. I think it is a little bit later in the month, but still, that must be nice. Grad school did not have Columbus Day off either, but we did get off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I went to a Jewish affiliated grad school. So, there was at least that.
Today’s is going to be a smaller post, things have been pretty quiet this week. I do have one small update to share about the Lenny/Lucas thing. Lenny messages me, out of the blue, “did Lucas text you yet?” So apparently, he had passed along my number to Lucas and told him to text me. I have no idea what else Lenny told him about me. Maybe Lucas was not interested. Maybe he is too busy. I do not know.
When I told Lenny that no, I have not gotten any texts, he got all aunty style “what is that boy doing!?” Even though Lenny is ethnically Russian, he has been hanging around Malayalees for too long. He can even speak a few phrases in Malayalam! Although his pronunciation needs work.
This might sound a bit nihilistic, but I try not to hold my breath about these kinds of things. Like, I know the odds are not in my favor that these things will work out. It is like that meme, you can’t be disappointed if you never had expectations. I told Lenny that if it is meant to be, it will happen (same thing I have been telling the aunties). I told him not to push it, because the last thing I need is for anyone to be coerced into talking to me. I promise you, I will not feel bad if you are not interested in me or what I have to say. Same thing with this blog. If you are not interested in my stories, do not read them! But if you are interested, please recommend to people who you think might also be interested =)
But part of me is still hoping that Lucas texts me. Yeah, it would be cute. But it would also be nice to have that kind of connection again. As much as I have worked on myself and built myself up to be self-reliant, there is an aspect of being in a relationship that I do miss. I feel like I am caught between two stones. On the one hand I know I will be okay if I choose a solitary life and do not end up in a relationship. On the other hand, I know I will be okay if I choose a binary life and decide to share my life with someone else. I am okay with either outcome. My biggest fear is that I will be stuck in a relationship. That is part of the reason why I built up my self-reliance, so that I will never be in a situation where I have to depend on someone else for money, status, or even a social life. These are already things I have, what the guy brings will only add to it. As Horacio Jones was once quoted, “you’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.” I am going to end it there, let us see if anything comes of this story. So until next time.
- Aemi
