An Old Crone
Well, it is official, y’all! My younger cousin has gotten married before me. I am an old crone now. Oh, you thought I finally had someone? No, no, nothing like that. Rather, my cousin in India tied the knot yesterday. The ceremony was beautiful and there were a couple of guests. With all the gathering restrictions and travel limitations, it was a small event. If it was not for COVID, I would have attended. Stupid pandemic ruining yet another plan!
While she is technically my younger cousin, she is only six months younger than me. This means that it is acceptable she married before I did. For those who might be slightly confused, let me provide a little explanation. Since I am not familiar with the other Indian cultures, I will speak only from the point of Malayalee culture. I expect there will be similarities between cultures, so this is not an “only Malayalee” thing either. We have a lot of “expectations” when it comes to marriages and weddings.
For one, it is expected that the bride is younger than the groom. The logic behind that is guys tend to mature later than girls, so an older guy and a younger girl will be around the same mentality level. Now, I am sure you know plenty of guys who matured at a younger age and plenty of girls who are still immature. This is a broad stroke general idea; individual circumstances might be different.
This is a vital component in why girls tend to get married earlier than guys. Over the generations, we are seeing shifts in the “acceptable” age group. In this generation, girls tend to be married off in their mid-late 20s and guys in their late 20s to early 30s. In the previous generation, girls would be married off in early-mid 20s and guys in their mid-late 20s.
Location matters, too. My grandparents who grew up in rural villages were married in their teens, while my other grandparents who grew up in the city were married in their early 20s. Even now, Malayalees who went abroad or grew up outside of India tend to get married later than their Indian counterparts.
There are even expectations on when you can get married based on your birth order. You would think it is as simple as “the older ones get married before the younger ones,” but it is never that simple with Malayalees. Generally, it goes from the eldest to youngest. But because women tend to get married at a younger age than men, a younger sister (or female cousin) might be married before her older brother (or male cousin). And, as always, you have to be mindful of the age gap. The previous scenario really only makes sense if the siblings (or cousins) are relatively close in age. I have two male cousins that are six years older than me. They did not wait for me to get married before settling down. Another expectation is that a younger brother (male cousin) typically will not get married until his older sister (or female cousin) gets married. Meaning that, until I settle down, Ezra will remain unmarried.
How strictly anyone follows these expectations depends entirely on their personal belief and convenience. I know older brothers who married before their younger sisters, younger cousins who married before their older ones, younger brothers marrying before their older sister. These are not hard rules, nor are they strictly enforced. I was next in line on that side of the family to get married. I am ecstatic my younger cousin was able to find someone and they got married. But it will not pass people’s notice that I was skipped. These rules are just another thing for people to gossip and talk about.
I do not mind if people gossip about me. There are worse things out there than being the subject of someone’s pity. And I am genuinely happy that my cousin is starting a new chapter. Of the few interactions I have had with her now husband, he seems like a decent guy. But that will not silence the voice that whispers quietly in the back of my mind, “you are never going to find anyone.”
Is this feeling jealousy? I do not think so. It is not like I want what she has. I think this feeling is longing. Because I am patiently waiting, wanting my version of it. We are not living in a binary world; I can celebrate her happiness while desiring my own happiness. How will that happiness manifest? Everyone around me seems to think it will be in the form of a partner. It could be a partner, but it does not have to be, does it? It could be a passion project, or a pet, or a child. Maybe it is my youthful, naïve way of thinking. I wonder what my future self will think of this post.
This post got a little serious towards the end because sometimes I have serious things to say. But I want to end on a lighter note. First, congratulations to the newly wedded couple. I wish you many years of happiness and bliss! Second, let me know in the comments below about “expectations” you experience or have seen. I would love to know more about the world you see through your eyes. Also, have you figured out what makes you happy? Leave that in the comments below, too. So until next time.
- Aemi
