When Are You Getting Married?
June 20, 2020
Welcome back y’all, how have you been? Staying safe and wearing masks, I hope. It is tempting, especially with the beautiful warm weather we have been having, to go back to normal. But we have to remember that “normal” no longer exists. We have a new normal now, and we have to take the appropriate precautions. So be smart and wear a mask if you are going to be in a place with other people.
Many of you have been following along since the very beginning, thank you! But some of you are new, and I want to make sure you are not lost among these posts. This week, I want to expand upon one of the reasons I began this blog. As a 26-year-old single female, I was constantly asked when I was getting married. It became rather tiresome having to answer the same question over and over again.
It would be one thing if these questions came from family members or close friends. They do ask, but since they are people who know me, the sentiment is a little different. Oddly enough, strangers want this insight into my life as well. And that bothers me.
To me, it shows they simply lump me with others in my age group and have no care about me as an individual. Marriage tends to be one of those “safe” topics—something you can talk about when you have nothing else to talk about, kind of like the weather. But is it really? I have written before about how there are people who do not want to get married, it could be for a myriad of reasons. How is this a safe topic for them? I find it exhausting to constantly justify my singleness.
You might be thinking, why does this get under your skin so much? I am going to break it down as best as I can, so please bear with me. First, the questions revolve around marriage as an event instead of a lifestyle. “When are you getting married?” “Are you getting married soon?” “You will have a wedding to plan soon enough.” Marriage is much more than the church, the dowry, the reception, or even the athi rathri (first night). It is so much more that it is legally binding. It is a different way of living—one that is filled with happiness and joy, but also with sadness and frustration. Those mindless questions bother me because it reduces the significance of marriage to just a wedding, as if after the party, everything will go back to normal. If a marriage is done right, things will never go back to normal; instead, you will create a new normal.
Second, these questions imply that married life is the only logical next step. It takes away from those who do not wish to be in a relationship. It takes away from those who have live-in relationships. It limits the human potential. The world is opening up its views on what a relationship could be. Some might argue it takes away aspects of “Malayalee culture.” Then perhaps we should reevaluate what that Malayalee culture really entails. Cultures are changing constantly. As I like to say, “you have to change with the times, or else time will change you.”
Perhaps the most important aspect of this is the person asking these questions. While I am not too keen about having to justify it to family, it is slightly more acceptable, others will disagree if they feel differently. The way I see it, family members or close friends are to some degree invested in my wellbeing. We are a community and we look out for each other. While it can be exhausting explaining to aunties and ammachis that being single is not the end of the world, I do not mind doing it.
Strangers, on the other hand, I do mind. They, who do not even know what my favorite color is, will ask me when I am getting married. I find that reprehensible. Maybe ask a couple of questions that will help you get to know me first. How is my life going? What am I looking to do next? How do I feel about marriage? If you are talking to me, show me that you are interested in me. I have had a fairly interesting life and I am always eager to share my stories. When strangers ask me insincere questions, I will give them insincere answers.
So this post has been more of a rant than a story. But that is okay because it is still a topic that needs to be talked about. And yet, I always wonder what, if anything, can be done about it? I am sure we are all too familiar with the imposing force we are up against: Culture, with a capital C. The way I see it, it is imposing but not immovable. The very fact that you are reading this post and following my blog means that these are topics you have encountered as well.
So let us start by talking about it. It is easy to dismiss the older generation as being foolish. But they are not used to this type of thinking. This is not something they grew up around or saw other people doing. You cannot blame someone for ignorance. However, that does not make it acceptable. It will be uncomfortable at first, but the more we talk about it, the more we can have constructive discourse.
Unfortunately, I have seen many cheichis and chettans, and now my peers, stop coming to events and programs, specifically because they did not follow the expected routine. It is tiresome to forge your own path and then have to explain it at every turn to people who do not care about you. But that is exactly why I keep showing my face around and going to these things, prior to Covid when I could go out. The more people see folks stepping away from the “prescribed path,” the sooner they will come to accept the new norm. But it will not happen if we hide ourselves away in the shadows, trying to go by unnoticed.
Stay safe everyone, and see y’all next week!
- Aemi
