Time to Settle Down
June 6, 2020
Hey y’all, welcome back! I hope you are staying safe and doing well. I do not know if protests and demonstrations are still going on when this post will be uploaded, but if they are, I hope you are taking the appropriate measures to keep yourself and those you come in contact with safe. This year is getting stranger and stranger. But to steal a line from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, “it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” These strange times, I hope, are making us better as a society, as a nation, and as a species. I guess time will be the judge of that.
While stores and restaurants are preparing to open up again, my mother has been on my case about renewing my m4marry profile. I was sitting on the back deck, enjoying some coffee and late afternoon sunlight when she casually brought up the fact that it has been a year since my grandfather passed away. In my culture (Malayalee Orthodox and Catholic), the year proceeding someone’s death is the time for mourning. If it was a close family member, like a direct ancestor or descendent, the family will put off any celebrations and festivities. So last year, when I gave my parents my consent to start looking for a suitor, it was with the explicit instruction that none of the events are to take place before the aandu (year) is up. That one year passed this week.
Now, my mother is renewing her pressure on me to “settle down.” I think part of it has to do with the fact that the daughter of one of her friends is getting married next month. The daughter and I are the same age. Actually, many of her friends’ kids, especially the daughters, are getting married. It makes sense, considering we are all relatively around the same age. So she probably feels like she is doing something wrong since I do not even have a suitor.
What I do not understand is why having children who have settled down is a metric for a successful life. A major aspect of it is that we are living in different times now. Marriage, at one point, was a form of security. It was an additional asset. In many cases for women, it was their only asset. With no education, job, or income, settling down with someone who had those things was the main way for women to survive. Marriage provided a standard of living.
But we do not live in those times anymore. Apart from a few individual cases, almost everyone has at least a high school education and the majority of people have at least one degree from a higher educational institute. With that education, people are able to get jobs and earn an income. Today, many people do not need marriage in order to survive. So why, as a culture, do we still hold on to that standard?
I mentioned this in a previous post, but it is worth mentioning again. I am not against marriage. What I am against is the idea that marriage is right and necessary for everyone. Moreover, that it is something to mark off on a checklist, like an annual physical. “Now that you are in your mid-20s, it is time to get married.” There are people who genuinely want to get married and there are people who genuinely do not. Why are both stances not equally valid and accepted? Why is it that when someone says, “I do not want to get married,” the knee-jerk reaction of some people is to respond with, “oh, you will change your mind”? This is also true for preferences on having children, but that is not the topic I wanted to discuss today. The young person may change their mind, but the older person should not presume to know how they will eventually feel. That statement invalidates the things they are feeling at that moment.
As for me, do I want to be married and “settle down”? Sure I do. That is why I am on dating apps and matrimonial sites. But it is not the end of the world for me if I do not. I am strong and capable. I am a thrifty person and I can manage to navigate my world with or without a partner. That partner should fill my wants, but only I can fill my needs. The way I see it, it is similar to my desire for a beach house in Bali. I would like to have it, but I will manage to survive if it does not actually happen.
I also understand this is not everyone’s stance. Some people might need to marry for any variety of reasons: financial security, immigration status, tax exemption, etc. I am not saying those reasons are not valid. In fact, I believe them to be just as valid. But along with them, I believe people who do not want to be married should not be shamed into it.
Part of the reason I write these entries (and my private journal) is to remind myself of the struggles I went through during my “youth” so that I do not make the same mistakes. If my child or niece/nephew or any child tells me they do not see marriage in their future, I do not want to turn around and tell them, “you will feel different when you meet the right person.” I hope if this conversation ever comes up, I will take the moment to have a discussion with that young person and discuss the reasons why I decided to (or decided not to) get married. I hope that I can give them a perspective they may not have thought of and they share a perspective I have not experienced. While it might be incredibly hard to change the minds of the older generation on this topic, we can do better. We can stop this toxic cycle and create a new world for future generations. Just some food for thought until next week.
- Aemi
