Saturday

Oh wow, look, it is another post! I am just as surprised as y'all that there is a story this week. I kid, I kid. Today, I want to share a story with you that was tangentially related to the previous two stories. It does not involve Grant or Milo, but it did happen during that tumultuous time. This one will not be as long as the other two, but it was significant enough that I want to share it.

We are going to do a little time traveling; let us go back to the memorable evening of March 11, 2021. Spoiler alert for anyone new to this blog, this was the night I found out Grant was married. But not only was it the night my rose-tinted lenses were shattered, it was one of the most exciting nights. Lias had messaged me (while I was messaging Rowan) that he was going to propose to Tara, one of my dearest friends, that weekend. He was asking if I could come over to their house for the surprise.

Y’all, these were those crazy times! The delta variant was picking up on the other side of the world, scores of people were dying every day in places like India. My dad was still ridiculously cautious about everything. The quarantining table was still set up in our garage; this is where the groceries were sanitized and quarantined for 1-2 days before they were brought into the house. Most people were returning to a semblance of normal, but not us.

It was in this kind of world where I, a 27-year-old, was asking my father for permission to go to my friend’s engagement. Prior to COVID, I would have told Lias “yes” first and then told my parents that I am going. But those days felt like a lifetime ago. I was a child again. So many restrictions, so little interactions. I knew things would not be the same going forward, but I desperately missed my old life.

I brought it up to my mom first, “what are the chances Pappa will let me go to Tara’s this weekend?

“Not very likely, why? What’s going on?” In Malayalam, of course.

“Lias is proposing on Saturday.”

“Ohhhh…..then maybe….” For something this important, COVID restrictions could be put on pause.

I waited until my dad came downstairs from his shower before asking him. The trick with him is that I have to start the conversation with a non-important introduction and then bring the important part second. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up with 1) that I am talking, and 2) what I am talking about. I asked the same question, and then immediately told him that Lias was proposing.

I could see the emotions playing on my dad’s face conflicting each other. On the one hand, there is a pandemic going on. On the other hand, it is Tara and she is getting engaged. The decision was difficult, but in the end, he said okay. I quickly let Lias know that I will be there on Saturday.

I am not going to go into too much detail about what happened on Saturday, but here is a brief synopsis: Tara said yes.

Instead I want to share how I was feeling throughout that time. It goes without saying that I was 100% happy for them! Tara and Lias are great together and they seem to make each other happy. I want nothing but the best for them. And the fact I could be a part of this important moment for them brings me immense joy.

But at the same time, I am longing for my version of this happiness. Keep in mind, I went to this party while I was waiting for Andrew to message me back. I just found out a few hours before Lias told me he was proposing, that Grant was married. I was in the middle of a solo emotional rollercoaster that weekend. If y’all were wondering, it is possible to be happy for my friend and wallow in self-pity at the same time.

I kept thinking about the “vision” I had when Kilian and I broke up. I have never been in a serious long-term relationship. My longest one was with my high school boyfriend and that lasted only 5 months. After all these failed attempts, I have to wonder if it was me. Maybe the voice spoke the truth, I will be alone for the rest of my life.

The timing for all this was pretty crummy. That upset me more than the actual events. The situation was similar to how I felt when Milo ended things with me on the same day Ezra got a job. Emotional tolls like these are hard to compartmentalize. It is hard for me to be happy when my heart is breaking. But that is just how my life is and I have to move on. Just like how my vision ended, I do not have time to sit here and cry. I have to get up and go. But I will be back next time.

- Aemi